Have you ever felt like coping skills are too one-size-fits-all, or struggled with knowing when to use a strategy and when not to use a strategy? This video is for you.
My intention today is to look at having more intentionality in strategy selection. Recently, I was thinking about EMDR Phase 2, which is resource development. It’s part of what we do in order to prepare for trauma reprocessing.
I was thinking to myself how important it is that the guided visualizations or other coping skills we explore with a client are actually the ones they need for their specific situation, and what they are most likely to encounter during trauma therapy.
Some people benefit from a safe calm place visualization as part of Phase 2 in EMDR. For example, if they are feeling triggered or unsafe in the present moment because of trauma memories coming up, they might imagine a secluded beach hut in a sphere of protection, or a cabin in the woods—some environment that evokes a felt sense of safety and calm when intentionally recalled.
However, other people don’t necessarily need to cultivate safety and calm in that way, or that emotional state may not feel helpful at this point in their trauma recovery journey. For them, it may be more beneficial to use a guided visualization that brings up a sense of empowerment, or an inner guide figure to help them listen to themselves.
I think this intentionality is really important.
I work with a lot of people who are queer, for example, or who have been closeted in different ways about their identity, whether that’s religious identity or traumatic experiences they’ve had. Many of them have had to mask throughout their life.
One of the common resources used in EMDR Phase 2 is a container. This involves compartmentalizing trauma material so that it can be set aside when it is not the appropriate time to engage with it, for example, imagining a locked filing cabinet or treasure chest where material is safely stored for later.
However, if someone is coming to therapy because they have over-compartmentalized, or because they are tired of suppressing and repressing material, a container resource might not be the right fit. It may even trigger a sense of, “No, I’m done containing. I don’t want to contain anymore.”
This is why it is so important that we are thoughtful about what images we use and what coping skills we select for someone.
If the safe calm place and container are not a good fit, sometimes somatic visualizations can be helpful, such as a body scan, a light stream, or a healing light visualization. We can also experiment with attuning to the present-moment, or focus on strengthening past experiences and memories of power and competence.
The key is looking at what someone specifically needs, and what obstacles we expect to encounter. Often people already have a sense of their wounds and how they tend to show up, so we can plan backwards from that.
We can also be intentional about coping skill selection by considering what we need to manage intense emotions or overwhelm. Emotions are valuable sources of information. They are experienced both in the brain and the body, and can be observed in neural patterns and physiological responses.
Being able to name emotions like “I feel sad” or “I feel angry” is itself an emotion regulation skill.
Some coping strategies involve grounding techniques, such as using the senses, breathing, and returning to the present moment.
We can also process emotions and thoughts through journaling, creative expression, reflection, writing, or music. Sometimes connection with others, or with ourselves, can also be regulating.
At times, what we really need is action. If we already have insight but feel stuck, and part of the distress is coming from not taking action, it can be helpful to take a small corrective step, such as setting a boundary, expressing ourselves truthfully, showing up more authentically, or taking care of our own needs instead of avoiding discomfort and later feeling resentful.
Coping skills can also become less helpful in some situations.
One example is rumination. Rumination is a learned habit—what we often call overthinking. It is common in depression, PTSD, OCD, and anxiety.
Many people who are high-functioning identify as thinkers and feel that their thinking is helpful. And often it is. But there is an important distinction between helpful thinking and unhelpful thinking.
Most people can probably think of at least one time when their thought process became unhelpful.
So it becomes important to evaluate when reflection, journaling, or processing is leading to insight, resolution, grieving, or corrective action…and when it becomes circular or a downward spiral.
Sometimes, coping also becomes avoidance. If we stay away from what is triggering, we may never build tolerance for it.
This is where exposure-based interventions can be helpful. The idea is that by gradually approaching feared or distressing experiences in small increments, we can develop increased mastery and confidence over time.
Even if fear is still present, we learn that feared outcomes do not always occur, or are not as catastrophic as expected. This allows us to live a fuller life rather than a progressively smaller one shaped by avoidance.
At the same time, avoidance is not always bad. Sometimes it is appropriate.
For example, if someone is in recovery from addiction, and they experience overwhelming urges to drink while they are at a social gathering at a bar, leaving the bar is a healthy and appropriate coping choice.
There are also times when we move between strategies. I think of this as titration or pendulation, moving between engagement and distance, between feeling and grounding.
For example, with chronic pain or migraines, I might briefly notice the sensation, then intentionally shift attention elsewhere in my body or to something neutral, and then come back and check in again. This back-and-forth can help regulate the nervous system and is a common strategy in working with chronic pain.
We can use a similar approach in trauma work; engaging material briefly, then returning to present-moment safety or positive states, and moving back again as needed.
This helps prevent overwhelm and supports integration.
It also increases a sense of control over the material, because you are not stuck inside it, you are moving in and out intentionally.
Sometimes there is a trap of trying to figure everything out or trying to recover missing memory fragments. In dissociation, there can be gaps in memory that are understandably distressing. But trying to force certainty is not always helpful.
Often, if the mind is not remembering something, there is a protective function at play.
So the question becomes: what is most helpful right now?
If we are going to engage deeply with difficult material, it is important to have support, grounding tools, and ideally the presence of a therapist or guide.
We also need to consider cost-benefit. For example, journaling for hours every day may not be helpful if it becomes isolating or takes away from living life.
When I get my blood drawn, I don’t focus on the needle the entire time. I briefly check in, but mostly I direct my attention elsewhere. That balance helps me tolerate the experience without becoming overwhelmed by it.
We build tolerance by approaching fear or discomfort in measured ways. We build resilience through both coping skills and basic self-care: sleep, nutrition, movement, connection, boundaries, and expression.
Ultimately, coping skill selection is about asking: What do I need right now, and why am I reaching for this strategy?