Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation
One of the best ways I know how to talk about regulation and containment is to invite you to experience it, rather than just explain it. So this is your invitation, if you’d like, to practice a brief regulation exercise with me.
What I’m sharing here are a few simple things that help me shift my state when I’m feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or caught in an emotion that doesn’t feel supportive in the moment. Simple doesn’t always mean easy, but these practices are accessible and flexible.
To start, take a moment to notice how your body feels right now—whether you’re sitting, standing, or lying down. Just check in.
Sometimes I’ll gently ask my body: What do you need right now?
What would help you feel a little safer, a little more supported, a little more nourished?
For some people, that answer is movement. If I need to energize, I might do something very simple: stretching, pushing against a doorway, jumping in place, or shaking out my arms. If I need to calm and settle, I often turn to my breath.
When I work with breathing, I try not to force it. Forcing tends to pull me into my head, and that doesn’t feel regulating for me. Instead, I invite my body to breathe—and you’re welcome to try that too.
Notice where your breath is right now. Does it feel shallow or deep? More in your chest, or lower in your belly or back? Does it feel flexible, or a bit constricted? Sometimes it helps to imagine breathing not just into the front of the body, but into the back as well.
There’s no one “right” way to breathe. Some people find a longer exhale calming. Others prefer a more organic, almost sigh-like breath. If slow, deep breathing feels jarring, that’s information—your body may be asking for something different.
You might experiment with a gentle rhythm: inhaling for a count of four, holding for four, exhaling for four. Or you might simply notice what feels good without counting at all.
Breathing is a powerful tool because it’s always available to us. Even shifting our awareness to the breath can be regulating.
Another way I support regulation is by orienting to present-moment safety by briefly scanning my surroundings and noticing the ways I’m safe right now, or identifying small actions that would help me feel safer. When we’re stressed, the body doesn’t always distinguish between past, present, and future, so gently reminding it that right now is okay can make a meaningful difference.
Regulation matters because it’s foundational to connection. If my body is responding as though something stressful is happening right now, even if it’s actually in the past or future, it’s much harder for me to connect with others.
When we slow down with someone else, we can notice how our breath, heart rate, and posture shift. That information is useful. If I feel tense or closed around someone, I might ask myself: Is this sensory? Am I tired, hungry, overstimulated? Or is something about this interaction contributing to my dysregulation?
Sometimes the most regulating choice is taking a break.
I also want to name that it’s okay to have days when regulation feels hard or inaccessible. This isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress, awareness, and self-forgiveness. We learn as we go.
I’ll close with this: in a productivity-focused culture, we often overvalue what we produce and undervalue the quiet power of presence. Sitting beside someone. Holding a hand. Walking together. Dancing. Sharing space.
Our presence has an impact, often more than we realize. Caring for our own regulation helps us support others, sometimes without saying a word.
Thank you for taking this moment with me.